The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
