It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You did what with his pubic hair?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
