textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize