this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
