I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize