I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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