I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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