Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize