Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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