I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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