Apparently you make a good broom.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I looked at my own cervix.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
