3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize