those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
