Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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