Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
