On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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