The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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