I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
