I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
