I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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