Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
