a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize