i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
