i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize