I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
