I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
