Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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