worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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