I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
