If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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