My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
