I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
