I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
