I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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