I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
