just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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