ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
