I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
