What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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