I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
