he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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