I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
