she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
time to smoke my breakfast
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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