I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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