Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
