fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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