That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
