i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
