I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
