can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
