I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
