Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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