she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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