i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we're so committed to being not committed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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