I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
