my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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